Dear Fellow Gen Xers: What In The Actual F*ck?

Someone has to say it: Gen Xers are douchebags.

We are stupid and contagious.

Well, not all of us, obviously.

When I see a truck with an AR-15 sticker, a Gadsden flag sticker, a Three Percenter sticker, a thin blue line sticker, or a Calvin-looking kid pissing on, well, almost anything sticker, guess who owns it? A Gen Xer.

When I see a truck with a Confederate flag in my home state of New York (yep, there really are idiots with secessionist fever dreams in my beautiful blue state), it’s always a Gen Xer from the Deep North cosplaying as a good ol’ boy from the Deep South.

These guys actually want to split off from NYS and call upstate “New Amsterdam.” The only way that could sound even more like NYC would be to call it “New New York,” except that’s already the home of another well-known Gen X slacker. But seriously, why not just pick “New Mississippi” and call it a day?

When I drive on I-81, I routinely get flipped off for having union and Bernie Sanders stickers on my Subaru Crosstrek. It’s always a guy my age with a Trump 2020 sticker on his window who feels the need to pull up next to me, revving the overpriced Ford Behemoth he hopes will help him compensate for his, um, shortcomings, on his way back from a very important mission of securing toilet paper at Sam’s Club for his hoarder wife.

When I see someone in Home Depot (or anywhere, really, but especially Home Depot, that bastion of douchebaggery) without a mask on or their nose uncovered, it’s always a white Gen X dude.

These are the guys who jack off to videos of Snowflakes crying about their family members dying of Covid, which is obviously a Democrat hoax; who get hard thinking about defending some shitty pawn shop with their “I need this for deer hunting” weapon of war; who get pissed at kids who want free college because they had to pay for their college, but then complain about the high cost of college for their own kids, who are only being indoctrinated by socialists anyway; who rage against immigrants and chant “Build the wall,” but also exploit them on their farms and in their factories; who drive only American automobiles (as if there are any), but spend their entire paycheck on Chinese junk at Walmart; and who smoke pot all the time but don’t care about legalization or prison reform because they’re not worried about going to prison (they know cops and sometimes are cops).

They’re the guys at Sturgis (the average age of people who buy Harleys  is 47), spreading the disease like some second-rate Anthrax or Queensryche song (take your pick) that’s still playing on a grimy old jukebox in some back-alley bar in 1987 with a bottle of Zima leaving a water stain on top.

And yes, they’re even the superintendents of schools, mostly in red states, who are forcing teachers and students back to school when it’s not safe, simply because they can. Did you know that of the nation’s 13,728 superintendents, only 1,984 are women? And the mean age of these mostly male superintendents is 54-55. Obviously, some of these Gen X men in charge are just trying to make the best possible decision in a bad situation. For others, it’s the only choice they have because going fully online can only mean one thing:  They’re pussies in charge of pussy districts.

You’ve read about men who think wearing a mask is emasculating, right? What happens when men who believe this garbage are the same people who are in charge of businesses, schools, the government, and basically everything? I think we’re all about to find out.

And you Democrats thought Bernie Bros were toxic? At least they weren’t killing people through willful ignorance and negligence because they were afraid their dicks weren’t big enough. (Wait, you mean you still think Bernie Bros are real? Aww, that’s cute.)

What isn’t cute is thinking you’re too special or too much of an outsider to care about anyone but yourself. You can get away with that when you’re a Judd Nelson, Christian Slater, or Ethan Hawke character in a 1980-something film, but not at fifty when you’re too old to claim ignorance and too young to be out-of-touch.

Don’t get me wrong: It’s not just Gen X that gave us The Nightmare on Pennsylvania Ave. I’m angry at the Boomers too because they’re spreading fake news, but it’s hard to blame them because they don’t know any better and it’s too late to change.

And sure, I’m disappointed that the Millennials didn’t vote in droves in 2016. Even though they’re a bigger generation than Gen X, a smaller percentage of them voted. But at least when they do start voting, they won’t be voting for Republicans or conservatives.

Gen X, stuck in the middle, reached a record high voter turnout in 2016; but that was also the year when 41% of Gen X voters voted for Trump; and 62% of all white male voters″ rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”>voted for Trump, the most racist, corrupt, and authoritarian candidate to ever run for president.

See where I’m going with this?

Over the past four years, pundits  have blamed Boomers, the Silent Generation, Independents, Millennials, white women, Bernie Bros, the Green Party, Jill Stein, and non-voters for giving us Trump, but Gen X, once again, has been left out of the equation.

And white Gen X men, in particular, have some explaining to do.

You’d expect the Boomers and Silent Generation to vote for Trump in bigger numbers than the other generations simply because they’re older. And you’d expect Millennials and Gen Z not to. But Gen X is a little bit of a wild card. You’d like to assume that Gen X is much more liberal than their Boomer and Silent Generation parents, right? I mean, we sure thought we were back in the Reagan Era. (Fuck the PMRC! Fuck the police! And fuck everything else our favorite musicians told us to fuck.)

But that’s just not the case.

In fact, at the time of the 2016 election, slightly more Boomers than Gen Xers described their “ideological self-identification” as “liberal.” There were more Gen Xers who identified as either “moderate” or “conservative” than liberal, and 18% of these 36-51 year-olds hadn’t even thought about ideological self-identification. Almost one-fifth of an entire generation of post-college, mid-mortgage, mid-childbearing years voters hadn’t even bothered to think about what they believed in.

Gen X is literally Not Sure. (Or, if you prefer: Sure, Not.) The world is burning and we’re still Not Sure. That’s our legacy.

Something awful happened to Gen X in the years leading up to 2016 that undoubtedly affected the outcome of that election: White Gen X men were at just the right age (29-44),  and the first generation with enough lifelong exposure to Fox News, to be radicalized by the Tea Party when it reared its ugly head in 2009 to take down the smart, scary black guy in charge. These Gen Xers finally took off their Nevermind shirts and tried on the Tea Party’s anti-immigrant, anti-minority, and anti-woman platform like it was their Dad’s discarded letter jacket from the 1950s. And guess what? It fit.

I know these guys. I grew up with them. They populate the cities where I live and work.

And many more of them voted for Trump than anyone would have expected or predicted.

Why did they fall for it? They should have known better. Trump is THE MAN from every ‘80s series and movie: the clueless principal, the spoiled rich kid, the heartless owner of the corporation that crushes workers’ dreams, the Nazi, the guy who becomes a Russian asset, the corrupt guy who owns the town and hates outsiders, the rich kid from the popular frat who cheats on tests, and on and on.

It probably doesn’t help that the only Gen Xer who has ever been on a presidential ticket (until Kamala Harris) is uninspiring wonk Paul Ryan, the quintessential weasel from every ‘80s series and movie, the kid who rats on the other kids, steals their ideas, or sets them up to take a fall. Fun fact: Ryan says Rage Against the Machine is his favorite band. That would be like Pence and Trump walking onto the campaign stage to “YMCA.” Oh, wait…

I know. I know. Nothing I write here is going to make the group of Gen X men I’m describing care about anyone but themselves (that idea died around the same time as the compact disc), so let me address this to them in language they’ll understand, like a football coach from an ’80s movie:

“Okay, Wolverines, if Trump wins, you’re not getting Social Security; your college grad kids are going to be living with you forever; the USPS is going out of business, and the billionaire who buys it isn’t going to care if you get your Viagra or not.  So get out there and vote for Grandpa and the sassy black lady. Bring it in, boys. On three I wanna hear “social security.” One. Two. Three. Social Security! Now, go get ‘em.”

Besides, if Trump does win, who are you going to blame for everything that inevitably keeps going wrong?

For the last four years it’s been the black guy and the emails lady, even when Republicans controlled the White House, Senate, House, and arguably the Supreme Court.

Face it, y’all are getting rickrolled.

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